A wandering Storm

[thunder]

Pattered steps trudged through the mud of the forest. Pale yellow eyes peered out from the grey wolf’s fur onto the forest around him. He was of a fragile state now due to his travels and lack of food. He did know how to hunt but only small food like rats and hares. As his yellow eyes peer his new surrounding he sighed softly. He had forgotten to also permission into the land. Damn it. He thought as he shakes his head. Oh well maybe they won’t catch my scent. He said softly as he continued to trudge a long. His yellow eyes looked around. He had a small smile on his face. It was quiet out and he liked it that way. He could hear the birds chirping signaling spring and the noises of the wind bowing on the fresh budding trees. He continued on. However, he slowly came to a stop as he lifted his maw up howling lowly. It is a little late but better late than never he thought. He then sighs as he continues into the forest. He was smiling. He loved being a lone, it made him able to think about mistakes or what he though were mistakes in his life and what might be ahead of him.

Ooc: I ama terrible person to start boards.

[Aveilthé]

OOC:

Alrighty, I can help ya on improvement. =D This might take a bit long, but... I dunno if you want me to be REALLY nit-picky or... whatever, lol. I'm no English professor, but I certainly can help out.

Remember when you type a roleplay to read through it carefully, and read it aloud to see if it makes sense to you. Spelling mistakes are not a problem for you. I see that you spell with utmost efficiency. Good job!

There are various styles of roleplay, and your style's cool beans. However, we can change up a bit of your sentence structure, because there can be some commas in a few places. Commas are your friends; they are there to help make a pause in the sentence when a person reads, otherwise it could count as a run-on sentence... I believe.

Your original roleplay:
Pattered steps trudged through the mud of the forest. Pale yellow eyes peered out from the grey wolf’s fur onto the forest around him. He was of a fragile state now due to his travels and lack of food. He did know how to hunt but only small food like rats and hares. As his yellow eyes peer his new surrounding he sighed softly. He had forgotten to also permission into the land. Damn it. He thought as he shakes his head. Oh well maybe they won’t catch my scent. He said softly as he continued to trudge a long. His yellow eyes looked around. He had a small smile on his face. It was quiet out and he liked it that way. He could hear the birds chirping signaling spring and the noises of the wind bowing on the fresh budding trees. He continued on. However, he slowly came to a stop as he lifted his maw up howling lowly. It is a little late but better late than never he thought. He then sighs as he continues into the forest. He was smiling. He loved being a lone, it made him able to think about mistakes or what he though were mistakes in his life and what might be ahead of him.

Broken down:

Sentence one: Pattered steps trudged through the mud of the forest.

Mud of the forest... this could probably throw some people off when first reading it. You could say "mud on the ground" instead of the forest, then perhaps later describe the surroundings of your character.

Sentence two: Pale yellow eyes peered out from the grey wolf’s fur onto the forest around him

Perhaps you could change this around and say instead; "Pale yellow eyes peered out from the grey wolf's face and on to the forest around him." And it would be a good idea to describe more in-depth of where your character is. You could say, "He was standing in the midst of a lush, ferny area, where grass was few and trees stood tall and mighty with red bark". And if you want, you could add that he was standing in a clearing.

Sentence three: He was of a fragile state now due to his travels and lack of food

It would be more proper to say that "He was in a fragile state", and include how he looks like in his currently fragile state. Include that his skin has sunken into his sides, giving him a starving appearance. This would cause the reader to perhaps feel sympathy for the wolf. I would give a bit more depth to that as well; even if the wolf isn't THAT skinny at the moment you could perhaps say that his ribs were mildly showing to suggest that he was starving.

Moving on...

As his yellow eyes peer his new surrounding he sighed softly.

Though I admit I do this a lot, the reader doesn't need to know the color of the wolf's eyes for you've already mentioned it in the first few sentences. What could suffice is this: As his eyes and go on with that. The sentence needs a bit of work though. The word peer needs to be in a past-tense form. Everytime you roleplay, you must stick with either past-tense or present-tense words in order for it all to make better sense. What would be better is to say As his eyes peered at his new surroundings, he sighed softly. Always include a comma to suggest a pause in the sentence.

He had forgotten to also permission into the land. Damn it. He thought as he shakes his head. Oh well maybe they won’t catch my scent.

The first sentence needs another word added. But it does not really need to the word also in it. He had forgotten to ask permission (to join) the land. 'Damn it', he thought as he shook his head. "Oh well. Maybe they won't catch my scent," he said softly as he continued to trudge a long. Whenever your wolf is thinking, it would be a good idea to italicise his thoughts, and include ' ' quotations. That would, at least, give people a better idea that your character is thinking, and the reader is lead on to his thoughts. And when your character is speaking, ALWAYS include quotation marks before and after the sentence. And when it ends with "-he said softly", the "he" must be lowercased and have the "catch my scent," with a comma after it.

Now, that is all I'll point out for now. I'll show you what could be better, and then you could work on it. You're a very decent roleplayer, but you do need some work =)

Oh, and one more thing I'll mention. Though it is not needed, roleplays will sometimes have to be in paragraphs - once you start on a whole different "topic", at least. Though it's not really required.. 'cause hey, it's roleplay, but I can show you a different way to "break" your long, single paragraph.


Improved: Pattering steps trudged through the mud on the ground. Pale yellow eyes peered out from a grey wolf's face, gazing at the forest around him. There were tons of beautiful trees, some of which were in white, delicate blossoms due to Spring.
At the moment, the wolf was in a fragile state due to his long, wearisome travels and lack of nourishment. He knew how to hunt just like the next wolf, but only small game such as rats and hares.
As his eyes looked carefully at his surroundings, he sighed softly. He had forgotten to ask permission to join the land.
'Damn it,' he thought as he shook his head. "Oh well. Maybe they won't catch my scent," he said deftly as he continued to walk forward.
He looked around some more. A small, secretive smile appeared on his face. It was quiet out in the wilderness, and he liked it that way. He could hear the birds chirping, signaling the new start of spring, and the noises of the wind blowing on the fresh, budding trees. But he knew he had to continue on. However, he thought it would be best to introduce himself first, at least that would perhaps desist trouble for him in the longrun. Slowly, he lifted his muzzle, giving away a long, drawn-out, deep howl for others around him to be aware that he was close, but looked for nothing more than to become a part of this family in Shinkou Ookami.
Then silence followed as he lowered his muzzle. Sighing again, he continued on his path through the forest. He was still smiling. In a way, he loved being alone. Being able to enjoy the solace of the serene atmosphere allowed him time to think about his past mistakes, or at least what he thought were mistakes in his life. Most importantly, he thought of what might be waiting for him in the future.

[thunder]

(Thanks for the help.)

[Eternal-Moon]

Saria raced trough the forest , like a blur of motion to in the underbrush, almost unseen. She followed the scent of hare, how delightful it would taste, she also caught the scent of something else, a wolf. She slowed down to a gallop and searched the brush, spotting a male gray wolf, she then halted and noticed he was somewhat weary, so she tried to act as calm as possible.

"Hey, you alright there? You look....not so well...Need any help?"

Her amber eyes waited for an answer.

[thunder]

The wolf continued to walk. His eyes locked on the ground. He had no idea that another wolf had gotten his scent. His grey fur moved slowly as his fragile body walked on the muddy ground. He however did love the smells of the budding forest and he inhaled deeply. He then froze as he found the smell of the female. His ears when down as his paws slowly steadied. He saw her soon and he hoped that it was before she saw her. He instinctively took three slow and cautious steps backwards keeping his eyes on her. On his third step he hit a twig and it snapped loudly. “Damnit.” He mutters softly to himself freezing. Did she hear that? He thought. Probably. He thought as he watched her.

His thoughts were confirmed when she watched her. He then looked at the ground his ears pressed against his skull. He looks at her. He heard her as he watched her, his head low. “Yes.” He said in a shaky voice. It was horse from a little lack of water. Of course this was a lie but he did not want to sound weak by responding yes. “What pack is this?” He asked softly.

[Eternal-Moon]

Yuna settled on her haunches and looked to the ground, thinking hard.

"Gee, I don't think any packs run here, I am not sure...I haven't seen any other wolves around since I've been here...Why? Is there something in particular you're looking for?...Besides, you look a little ruffed up there, are you in need of food? Water?"

Her gold eyes settled on him, observing his worn features. He looked like he needed help, and though she avoided wolves, she figured she could probably help this one...

[thunder]

The young wolf whelp looked at the female. He could tell that she meant no harm to him as she sat down. However, he was still very nervous about relaxing about and around her. When she sat he continued to stand looking at the ground his ears still pressed against his skull.

His ears however perk forward a little bit as she starts to speak. So there are no packs around here? That can’t be I know I smelt some wolves. He thought as he looked at the female’s paws. When he heard the question he coughed a little before answering. “Well…” He started in a low nervous horse voice. “I forgot to ask permission before entering the territory.” He said finishing lowly. His head sank a little as she continued on. “No I am fine really.” He said softly as he knew it was a lie. He then shrank a little bit feeling her gaze on his worn fragile body.

[Eternal-Moon]

Saria smiled cheerily, seeing right through his lie.
"Well, you sure look like you could use some help, I'd be more than happy to help."

Saria smiled sweetly, wagging her tail and panting slightly.

[thunder]

He looked at the ground still. He could tell that she knew that he was lying. However, maybe if he kept up this lie she would believe it. “No I am fine.” The grey furred wolf whelp said softly. He looked at her face softly for the first time offering a small smile. “Besides I do not even know your name.” He tells her softly as he looked at the ground.

For almost as long as he could remember he had not told anyone his name. Especially since the death of his last pack, he had not had to tell anyone his name.. He however shook his head his eyes losing more of its life sparkle as he thinks about the pack and family he had lost.

[Eternal-Moon]

Saria smiled, wagging her tail, and then spoke.

"Saria, What's your name?"

She sat and awaited his reply.

[thunder]

He watched her as he started to forcefully relaxing. He smiled softly as his tail started to wag in response to hers. He then nodded and said in a louder tone, “My name is Thunderstorm.” He tells her. “But call me Thunder.” He said softly as he bowed softly in respect of her.

[bjorn]

Belenus could feel the presence of the weak. he had flown for nearly a week now away from the nest site where lasair had let him down once again. he was kind of hungry. he gave a couple of flaps with his powerful wings and silently glided down into the trees to seek food. as he descended he spied a pair of wolves talking. he cocked his head mischievously, he set his feathers alight and screamed at the top of his voice an echoing battle cry, he shut his wings and headed straight for the wolves, in hope to at least make them jump. the female looked more down to earth but the male looked very twitchy indeed.

((hey people not intruding am i? ))

[Eternal-Moon]

Saria's ear perked, and she spotted the griffin racing towards them. Her eyes widened in wonder, for it was her first time seeing a griffin, and it looked as cool as some described. She wagged her tail friendly and smiled, her imagination captured by this creature of flight.

[thunder]

His eyes continued to watch the female. He did not take heed too the scent of this mysterious creature that was flying just above him. His eyes quickly jump up hearing the cry. What is that? He thought as he started to back up closer to the shadows. He let a small growl out from his nervousness. He did not know what the creature was or if it would attack him.

His eyes now were trying to focus on two things at once. He was trying to focus on this wolf who he had met and this strange creature. “What is it?” He whispers softly to himself as he watched her features be contorted in awe. He however was not very nervous his body somewhat low to the ground and his ears pressed against his skull.

[Eternal-Moon]

Saria sat and watched in awe, not noticing the males slight uneasiness. She wagged her tail and awaited the gryphons approach, her very tail tip tingled in delight at the sight of such a fantastic being.