THE WOLF, THE BITCH, AND THE LAPTOPPart 3Maker of this Play: Dammit, I don't have a Narrator. -peers into toilet- Umm...how do you un-flush? -clears throat- Well, while I figure out how to get our Narrator back, you all can just...um...read the incredible action-packed story that needs no narration! Yet.
Zizzie: Oh HONEY, I'm ho-ome! -kicks down door-
Fely: -_- Do you have to do that EVERY time you come home?!
Zizzie: Yes. :3 You love it.
Fely: Except I really, really don't...do you know how hard it is to find doors these days?
Zizzie: No, actually, I can't say I do.
Fely: I hate you. Why'd I marry you again?
Zizzie: 'Cause you lov--
Fely: No, definitely not that. Oh yeah. You put date-rape drugs in my drink that one night we were in Vegas...worst night of my life...
Zizzie: But honey--
Fely: If you call me 'honey' me again, I WILL vacuum up your toes again...-brandishes vacuum cleaner threateningly-
Zizzie: Nuuu, not me toes!
Kiku: -clears throat- Um, hello? Saviors of the world standing here awkwardly in the doorway?
Fely: Yeah yeah yeah, come in and gorge your fat selves on brussels sprouts, stinky fish, and soap.
Azure: o.o Soap?
Fely: Yeah, bar or liquid form. Your choice.
Zizzie: -stage-whispers to Sakoru- THAT'S why I need your cookies so badly...
Sakoru: Obviously x.x
Fely: Well, if SOMEBODY didn't gamble all the time...
Zizzie: Nag nag nag. That's all you ever do, woman. You're a nagger!
Fely: Ohh, that is one letter away from a lawsuit!
Zizzie: Shut yo' mouth, foo.
Demin: I think I'll linger out here suspiciously for just one moment too long...while I stare, NOT obviously, at Ave's castle.
Zizzie: -following Demin's gaze- Ooh, that's a nice place, that. I been there a coupla times. Believe it or not, that White Bitch is a pretty good lay. -whispers- Don't tell my wife I said that.
Demin: You, sir, are extremely disturbing.
Zizzie: Yeah...that's "Madam" to you. Now get yer arse in there. -kicks Demin inside-
Demin: And still, the abuse continues. -emo sigh-
Kiku: So, what do we have to do to save the sexiness that was kidnapped?
Fely: Well, nothing except flail uselessly around the entire land of Shinkou until you happen to run into the TRUE savior of the world.
Zizzie: Yup. Wommers. She's gonna come back and kick some Bitch arse!
Demin: Who the flip is Wommers?
Fely: -clears throat- The True Creator of Shinkou, Wyndbain the Wolf--
Zizzie: Wommers.
Fely: --known by some colloquial dialects as "Wom"--the One Wolf to Rule them all--
Zizzie: Wrong franchise, honey.
Fely: -twitches- Anyway, you get the idea. And
you...-holds up vacuum cleaner-
Zizzie: Eeep! -hides under table-
Kiku: Not to be self-centered or anything, but I thought this whole thing was about me.
Sakoru: She means us.
Kiku: No, I mean me.
Zizzie: Oh, well, there's some hokey-pokey prophecy about a bunch of newbs who come to the land of Shinkou and are supposed to take care of it while Wommers prances around in her own little special world.
Kiku: And that means...me?
Zizzie: No, it's really all of you...-elbows Fely and giggles-
Fely: Yeah, it's totally -snicker-
all of you...-snorts-
Kiku: Well, I don't like it if I have to share. C'mon guys, let's blow this popsicle stand.
Azure: I haven't had a line in a really long time...
Sakoru: That's because you've been eating the soap.
Azure: Oh yeah. Glop. -burps out pink bubbles-
Kiku: Oh great, now we have to go clean Azure...so let's all go back to our ridiculously boring lives and...wait a minute. -looks at Demin- Why are you still here?
Demin: Oh. Right. I'm supposed to be gone. -travels back eight lines up and disappears mysteriously-
Sakoru: Oh Em Gee. Wherever did Demin go?
Kiku: That whore! I'm going to murder him. With my thumb.
Fely: Why do I have a feeling that this is all Zizzie's fault? -glares-
Zizzie: Well...I might have told him how Ave is really good in bed...not that I would know from firsthand experience...
Kiku: Is this the part where we go rushing off to save him, and I become a hero?
Fely: More or less, yes.
Kiku: Sweet! Let's get skidaddlin'!
Maker of this Play: -wipes sweaty brow- Okay...so I stopped up the toilet -- don't ask me how, it's a long, disgusting story -- and now...when I flush it, everything should come up. Brace yourselves! -flushes-
Narrator: ...boj yaaaad ym ot kcab, uuuN
Maker of this Play: -rolls eyes- Here. -forces mouthwash down Narrator's mouth-
Narrator: Yeuch! -swallows and smacks lips- Hmm. Oddly enough, my mouth tastes like backwards...ness...
Maker of this Play: Yeah yeah, you have your stupid job back, now get to narrating!
Narrator: Aye aye, sir. Madam. Androgynous person. -speedreads- Um, okay, so, um, er--
Maker of this Play: Not lookin' too hot there, Narrator...
Narrator: -sweats- Uh, so, the kids hurry after Demin, who, um, of course went to Ave's castle...probably to see if she was as good a lay as Zizzie said.
Demin: Even though she said she wanted all of us at once, I bet she'll be happy enough to see me alone...yeah...she was so hitting on me back then...it's so obvious, now that I think about it...heh heh...
Narrator: So while poor, deluded Demin continued to delude himself--
Demin: -stupid grin-
Narrator: --our not-yet-heroes flailed uselessly behind him.
Azure: This is all your fault, Kiku! If you hadn't reminded him that he had to betray us, he would have...not betrayed us!
Kiku: Oh suure, blame the fact that I reminded him, not the fact that I have been the oppressive older sibling for the entirety of this play...
Azure: Fine, whatever! It's still your fault don't hurt me!
Sakoru: Stop and listen to me! Even though I'm the youngest, I'm obviously the smartest! I say we stop flailing around uselessly here and go flail around uselessly somewhere else!
Kiku: I'm in favor of that plan!
Zizzie: Oookay, fine, you're all gonna die anyway.
Sakoru: What?
Zizzie: And when I say "die," I mean, "fulfill the prophecy and become caretakers of all Shinkou"...-snickers-
Narrator: So they followed Zizzie, perhaps stupidly, while Demin--
Endy: Halloooo, boyee! Ah am so much better than you. -flounces and pounces-
Narrator: --meets Endy.
Demin: Er...? o.o
Endy: Why you stick yer fugly face all up in my hawt bid'ness?
Demin: Actually, um, you pounced on me.
Endy: Mmm, and what makes you think you can get past the Pink Hotness of Doom?
Demin: The...?
Endy: Pink Hotness of Doom. What, you got a hearing problem? 'Cause I can make that worse, yanno.
Demin: Yeah?
Endy: Yeah. I can make you...dead.
Demin:
; ...I'm sure you can. Um, I'm here to see Ave the Bitch, because, well, um, she sort of hit on me before...-blushes-
Endy: H'impossible. White Bitch wouldn't hit on that mess on yer face. Oh wait, that IS yer face! Ohh, burn'd by the Pink Hotness of Doom.
Demin: ...
Endy: Yeah, that's right.
Demin: ...anyway, can't you let me see her? Pwease? She gave me pot and stuff.
Endy: She WHAT? -dashes into castle- She ain't never give me, the Pink Hotness of Doom, no pot...
Narrator: A very flummoxed and flabbergasted Demin wandered into the castle after Endy...
Endy: Pink Hotness of Doom!
Narrator: Whatever. Of course, Ave the Bitch was out...probably sexing up her newest prisoner, Blitzy...
Blitzy: You know it! -ravishes Ave-
Ave: Hooo yeah baby. Prison cell sex! Don't stop, Blitzy, don't stop!
Blitzy: I feel like such a whore right now.
Ave: Don't be ridiculous. Whores get paid.
Blitzy: ...true. -resumes-
Narrator:
That was...an incredibly disturbing scene...let's go back to poor, deluded Demin.
Endy: She's not here?! She must be sexing up her newest prisoner. That bitch!
Demin: Doesn't that go without saying?
Endy: She gave the last of her special treats to YOU. That srsly pisses off the Pink Hotness of Doom. She's gonna get somethin' coming to her all right...-runs off again-
Demin: -sees Ave's throne- Ooh, it's made of white chocolate! How...ridiculous. -takes a bite- But tasty!
Ave: I'm all pissy because Endy interrupted my hawt prison cell sex, and now I'm left unsatisfied. Therefore, I'm gonna take it out on the first person I see.
Demin: La la la innocently betraying my siblings--
Ave: YOU STUPID SON OF A BLEEPING BLEEPER! -dropkicks Demin into the ceiling-
Demin: Why does this always happen to me, WHY?!
Ave: BLEEPING BLEEPITY BLEEPNESS!
Demin: You know, there isn't any more censorship...
Ave: Oh. Well then [grrr] YOU!!
Demin: o.o Is this 'cause I came alone? 'Cause if it is, I have a bunch of really lame and pathetic excuses lined up...
Ave: Just TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE, before I cut you a new one!
Demin: A new one what?
Ave: Do you REALLY wanna find out?
Demin: ...no. Okay, they're chilling with those weirdos Zizzie and Fely...
Ave: I KNEW it!
Demin: Then why did you ask me?
Ave: Okay, you're done. THWILLER G!!
Twilly: -_- Yes, Bitch?
Ave: This sonofa biscuit-eating bulldog needs to be dropkicked.
Demin: No, actually, I really don't--
Twilly: You heard the Bitch! -sledgehammers-
Demin: OW! Wtf?! She said "dropkicked"!
Twilly: Oh, well, if you insist. -dropkicks into prison cell-
Demin: -_- I really walked right into that one, didn't I.
Ave: ENDYMION!
Endy: Pink Hotness of Doom ready for action!
Ave: That is so not catching on, Endy. Just kill it. Now.
Endy: ...you say all these really hurtful things, sometimes...
Ave: Whaddya expect? I'm the Bitch. Now go assault everyone down at Fely and Zizzie's. Oh, and Endy? -whispers- Give Zizzie an extra vibrating nudge from me. -winks-
Endy: I am SO glad I am not into girls. Or boys. Or...anyone at all...except me...
Narrator: Once Endy stopped babbling nonsense, he led the charge to assault our getting-there heroes and the lovable Zizzie and Fely...
Endy: BEWARE THE PINK HOTNESS OF DOOM!
Ave: Utter fail, Endy. Srsly.
Narrator: ...leading us all, again, into suspense, as masterfully woven by our extremely talented and commendable Maker of this Play.
Maker of this Play: Much better. I think I'll keep you for Part 4.
Narrator: Whew!