Post by Felypsa on Jun 9, 2007 22:37:05 GMT -6
So I made this a while back...June 26, 2006. But I never finished it because it was so long. It was supposed to be a parody of Star Wars, using us as the characters. I think it kind of failed. But it's been sittin' around doing nothing in one of my older discs, so I decided why the hell not.
Some of these people - like Dis and Yami - haven't really come back, but that's alright. You can pretend you knew them.
Shinkou Wars[/u] – A Parody of the Star Wars movies by Fely-Fox
Narrator: A short time ago, in an online forum far, far away from sanity…I bring you…Episode IV: A Vain Hope!
Kiku Fishwalker: Wait a sec…aren’t I supposed to be the new hope?
Narrator: You? Seriously? -cracks up- As if!
Kiku Fishwalker: -_-
Narrator: Now shut up and let me do my spiel. So this online forum was ruled by the Evil Emperor, whose gaspshock identity will be revealed later, and the slightly less evil and misunderstood Darth Kaoru.
Darth Kaoru: I’m slightly less evil…but mostly just misunderstood. -sob-
Narrator: So we’ve heard. Anyway, there were some rebels blah blah hated Emperor and Darth Kaoru yadda yadda wanted to kill them and make the Universal Wide Web nice and safe again yak yak yak except Darth Kaoru wanted to eat everyone’s brains blah blah blah—
Darth Kaoru: ]:] Braains…
Narrator: So the Evil Empire created these plans for a bigger, better online forum that had the power to eat everyone’s brains at once, except that Princess Hikaru was able to steal these plans…and that would’ve worked real well, except that she was stupid enough to get caught.
Princess Hikaru: Hey! I find that offensive to me.
Narrator: Your hair is offensive to me, and you don’t see me complaining. So be quiet.
Princess Hikaru: -grumblemutterglare- I like my hair.
Narrator: Annnyyway, our opening scene shows Princess Hikaru vainly trying to get those plans to safety, aided by her robots, Dis-Ruptio and Ro2Dent2.
Dis-Ruptio: Who the hell came up with our names?!
Ro2Dent2: Beep boop bip?!
Dis-Ruptio: She said, And why the hell can’t I speak normally?!
Narrator: -sigh- Some people are never happy. Fine, for simplicity’s sake, we’ll call them Dis and Rotoo.
Ro2Dent2: Blip boop!!
Narrator: ALRIGHT! We’ll call them Dis and Rodent. Sheesh, so much for creativity. Anyway, Dis and Rodent were running through this passageway on the Shinkou Rebel ship, trying to evade the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters that Darth Kaoru’s ship was shooting at them…
Dis: We’re doomed! I sound like a lily-livered pansy, but it’s true!
Rodent: Bip-bop-braap.
Dis: Hey, you weren’t supposed to agree with me, you pathetic excuse for a—
Rodent: Whirr-blip-beep!
Dis: Look, this bright golden spandex suit is fashionable, okay? Don’t diss it.
Rodent: Brraaaapp.
Dis: Yes, I do know my line, thank you very much. -ahem- I’m afraid the Princess will never escape now! Those One-Eyed…whateveryoucallems are too powerful!
Princess Hikaru: Psst! Idiotic robots, over here!
Dis: What did she call us?
Princess Hikaru: Idealistic robots. Come on!
Dis: Let’s go, Rotoo—I mean, Rodent.
Princess Hikaru: Quick, while our rebel wolves are distracting the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters, I have something to give you, Rodent. Whatever you do, DON’T get caught by creepy desert looters and sold to an ignorant farmgirl who happens to be my sister. That might actually start this entire insane trilogy.
Rodent: Whirr-whizz-beep.
Dis: Reverse psychology always works, doesn’t it…
Princess Hikaru: Now hurry up so I can sacrifice myself to the slightly less evil and misunderstood Dark Lord of the Universe.
Dis: Sounds like a plan. Meanwhile, I’ll panic and question everything that Rodent does even though she obviously knows so much more than I do.
Rodent: Beeeeep! -rolls away to an escape pod-
Dis: Beginning…now. No, Rodent! This is obviously a trap. This pod is certainly not meant for an easy escape, especially because it’s called an escape pod…
Rodent: Braaap-burp-bip.
Dis: True, we are carrying a very important plot device. You’re right, we’ll probably be able to prevail despite all logical odds being against us…
Voice of Darth Kaoru: I’m coooooomiiiiiiing…
Dis: Hurry! We have to go disobey Princess Hikaru’s instructions this early on in the play!
Rodent: Woo-whirr. -pod escapes the Doomed Ship-
Dis: Hey, you’re right, that pretty desert online forum does look like a nice place to crash-land on…
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on the Doomed Ship…
Darth Kaoru: Whee, I love choking people to death! -gestures- HAHA, your throat got CRUSHED, fool.
Kangetsu: I’m the older, eviler, more misunderstood version of Yueh! Therefore, it’s only right that I’m in cahoots with Darth Kaoru.
Darth Kaoru: Kangetsu! Fetch Princess Hikaru. I want to know what the latest hairstyle fashions are these days.
Kangetsu: Well, you won’t know that by looking at Princess Hikaru…
Darth Kaoru: Never mind. Fetch, boy!
Kangetsu: Aye, aye, sir. I mean ma’am. -fetches Princess Hikaru-
Princess Hikaru: I’ll never succumb to you, no matter how misunderstood you are!
Darth Kaoru: We’ll see about that. After you do my hair.
Princess Hikaru: NOOOOO anything but THAT!!
Darth Kaoru: o.o; Eh? What are you talking about?
Princess Hikaru: Oh. I thought doing your hair was some form of torture for me.
Darth Kaoru: My hair isn’t that bad…
Princess Hikaru: …
Darth Kaoru: Oh shut up. C’mon, let’s take her to a place where she can be rescued by an ignorant farmgirl, a hott-looking fugitive, and a fuzzy thing.
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the desert online forum Tattoos-Are-In, our heroine is being very productive on her simple farm…
Kiku Fishwalker: -walks on fish- This is SO fun. You should try it. Barefoot!
Aunt Beru: The maker of this play couldn’t find Shinkou equivalents for me and my husband, so we’re just here until we die.
Uncle Owen: Hey Luke! I mean, Kiku! Stop being so damn productive!!
Kiku: Is that sarcasm?
Uncle Owen: Nooooo, of cooourse not. Why would I be sarcastic? You are being productive, right? The Narrator says so!
Kiku: Well, I’m making tonight’s fish dinner nice and tasty!
Uncle Owen: Oh, go make yourself useful and buy some illegally marketed robots.
Kiku: My favorite activity!
Narrator: Not too far away from Kiku’s astounding productivity are the two robots and their plot device…
Rodent: You know what? Screw the maker of this play. I’m gonna talk how I like.
Dis: What did you say, Ro?
Rodent: Never mind. I’ll go off on my own this way while you sulk here like the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy that you are.
Dis: FINE! Be that way!! -sulks like the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy that he is-
Rodent: Wheee, I’m cruising around aimlessly with my very important plot device until those Jawas come and take me for illegal marketing…
Jawas: SURPRISE!! -knock Rodent out and steal her-
Rodent: Just don’t harm the plot device!
Dis: Still sulking, if anyone will notice or care.
Big Transporter: I’m definitely NOT carrying your friend, the plot device, or any other illegally marketed robots.
Dis: Sweet! I’ll totally trust you then! -gets in- Oh goodness gracious! It’s the plot device! Thank goodness it’s all right!
Rodent: Yeah, nice to see you too, bub.
Dis: You called me rude names. I’m not talking to you.
Rodent: I missed you too.
Dis: Oh, how I missed you so much Rodent! -kodak moment hug- I’ll never sulk no matter how many deserving nasty comments questioning my masculinity you throw at me!
Rodent: Whoa, watch the plot device.
Narrator: And then the transporter comes to Kiku, who is eagerly waiting to buy illegally marketed goods…
Kiku: I’ll take the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy. He looks like fun.
Dis: -_- So much for respect.
Kiku: But I’ll stupidly ignore the smarter robot who is obviously carrying an important plot device for me to find. Come on, Dis-Ruptio! Come on, fragile droid that looks like it’s about to be fried!
Fragile Droid: -fries-
Kiku: Oh, how unfortunate! Guess I’ll have to take the one with the plot device after all. And curse it, now the two inseparable droids have been reunited. What a surprise.
Rodent: Hurry up and look at the goddamn plot device.
Kiku: Oooh, what a pretty girl. I’ll freak out everyone who knows that she’s my sister by staring at her and drooling like the hormonal farmboy that I am.
Dis: Um…you’re kind of a girl.
Kiku: Even more disturbing! Sweet. Lesbian incest. It can’t get any better than that.
Rodent: Dude, did you even hear a word she said?! Now I have to play it over and over again until the words finally register in your creepily hormonal brain.
Video of Princess Hikaru: Help me, Obi-Wom Cannoli. You’re my only hope.
Kiku: Whoa! Obi-Wom! Does she mean ol’ Wyndbain Cannoli, the hermit who’s been secretly watching me all my life? I never would have expected that!
Aunt Beru: Kiku! Come to dinner before you can figure out anything important to the plot!
Kiku: Okee dokee. Stay here, Rodent, and DON’T try to find Wyndbain Cannoli on your own.
Dis: -sigh- Reverse psychology again…when will these people ever learn…
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Dinnertime…
Uncle Owen: Blah blah blah take the droids to be cleaned blah blah blah work on the farm some more blah blah blah stay out of the fish buckets blah blah…
Kiku: I want to join the Rebellion.
Uncle Owen: Hell’s no. End of discussion.
Kiku: Fine. Then I want to find Obi-Wom Cannoli.
Uncle Owen: Hell’s no. He knew your father. I can’t let you find out information that’s so vital to the plot.
Kiku: Then I’ll sulk instead.
Uncle Owen: Have you been hanging around that lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy of a droid much?
Kiku: Yeah. Why?
Uncle Owen: It shows…well if you must sulk, go sulk somewhere else so you can find out that Rodent disobeyed your orders.
Kiku: Yes, Uncle. This’ll be the last time I see you, so I’ll be sure to storm off in a childish way.
Dis: What a surprise. While you were arguing uselessly with your uncle, Rodent took off.
Kiku: Oh no! Quick, let’s search for her while the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters come and destroy my farm!
Dis: Nope, we’ve got to heighten the suspense by waiting till morning.
Narrator: Several suspenseful hours later…
Kiku: I love my Fishspeeder. It’s as cool as a Landspeeder, only much better, ’cause it runs on fish guts.
Dis: Look, there she is!!
Kiku: Where?! -shoots wildly-
Rodent: Argh, watch where you’re shooting! You might actually hit me!
Kiku: Oh, sorry.
Dis: Look out! Creepy sandy people!!
Kiku: No worries, I can take ’em. -aims gun at sandpeople, but it accidentally backfires and shoots her instead-
Wyndbain Cannoli: -sigh- This was even more pathetic than I imagined. Shoo, you creepy sandpeople! Your role in this plot is over!
Sandpeople: Awww…-scuttle away sadly- we’re so misunderstood!
Wyndbain: Yeah, you and the rest of the world. Ok, Kiku. I’m Obi-Wom Cannoli, and I’m going to explain most of the plot’s backstory now, so be sure you pay attention. Oh, and I’m going to take as much time as possible so the One-Eyed, One-Horned Purple People Eaters can destroy your farm.
Kiku: …okie dokie!
Obi-Wom: So your father was a pretty cool dude until he was killed by Darth Kaoru, who was once a pupil of mine, but was seduced by the power of the Dark Side of the Internet, and used his newly-gained HTML skills to erase all the elite Jelly Knights, including your father, from existence in the Internet, and then he and the Emperor took over all of the Universal Wide Web and have been reigning dictatorially all the innocent online forums since.
Kiku: -wasn’t really paying attention- So, basically, Darth Kaoru killed my father?
Obi-Wom: …yeah. “Basically.”
Kiku: How evil! I keel heem and make heem eat rotten fish!
Obi-Wom: In that order?
Kiku: Yes. But, uh. Can’t I have some kind of vitally important weapon that can be used against him?
Obi-Wom: Well, even if I give it to you, you won’t stand a ghost of a chance against him, but if it makes you feel better…-gives Kiku candy in the shape of an ‘o’-
Kiku: A…piece of candy?
Obi-Wom: Idiot, it only looks like a piece of candy at first. But if you press this here -pushes button on candy-, it becomes this -candy turns into a brightly glowing green sword shaped thing-
Kiku: A giant stick of kryptonite? What, is Kaoru Superman or something?
Obi-Wom: It’s not kryptonite, fool! It’s a lifesaver. It can save your life. But generally, it just cuts through anything.
Kiku: Kewl—like this? -slices hand off of Dis-
Dis: OWIE!!! -clutches fried wrist-
Obi-Wom: -sighs- And the first hand casualty of the series occurs…
Kiku: Dude, how can you feel that? You’re not even human.
Dis: Oh. Right. -regrows new hand-
Kiku: -blinks- You can do that?
Dis: For plot convenience’s sake.
Obi-Wom: Alright, Kiku, now that you have the lifesaver, be sure you don’t turn to the Dark Side of the Internet. It’s bad for your health.
Kiku: Okie doke!
Obi-Wom: Enough chitchat. Let’s get to the plot device.
Rodent: Finally! -plays Princess Hikaru’s message-
Video of Princess Hikaru: Obi-Wom, you were cool once. Be cool again. Help me and my daddy out. We’re so desperate we’re asking an old hermit like you, so please come. Help me, Obi-Wom Cannoli, you’re my only hope.
Obi-Wom: Aw, man. Fine. Well if I’m going to help, Kiku, as the protagonist, you’re coming with me.
Kiku: But I dun wanna…-swings around lifesaver again-
Obi-Wom: Fine, be that color. Well, let’s go back to your “home,” so you can return to your “normal life,” and continue to “walk in fish peacefully” for the rest of the trilogy.
Kiku: Okie doke!
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Meanwhile, Darth Kaoru and some evil people/wolves are discussing the new tool to eat all the brains of a single online forum at once…
Darth Kaoru: I want to see some brains eaten NOW!!
Kangetsu: Well, as soon as Princess Hikaru lies to us, we’ll eat the brains of her home online forum.
Darth Kaoru: Bah! With the power of the Internet, I can eat their brains no problem!
Ryannkstu: I laugh at your puny “Internet”! I fart in its general direction! I unplug my ears at it! By the way, Kaoru, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
Darth Kaoru: CHOKE!!
Ryannkstu: -chokes-
Darth Kaoru: That was fun ]:] Can I do it again?
Kangetsu: No, go and torture Princess Hikaru instead.
Darth Kaoru: Mmm…torture. -prances away, singing- Oh, HiKAruuuu! Your daddy’s coming to TORture youuuuuuuu!!
Princess Hikaru: As long as I don’t have to do your hair.
Darth Kaoru: Oh, believe me…this will be much worse…-thrusts feet at Hikaru- Tell me where the rebel base is, or give me a pedicure! ]:]
Princess Hikaru: Feet…smell…so…horrible…-faints-
~*~*~*~
Kiku: Well f**k. The One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters totally trashed my home. Totally didn’t expect that. Oh well. I guess I’ll go with you after all, Obi-Wom!
Obi-Wom: Sweet. And I didn’t even have to resort to my fancy Jelly Knight tricks. Well, it’s time to meet the other main characters! Let’s go to the evil-smelling board called Most Ugly.
One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eater: We’re looking for a couple of droids, one of whom is a lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy, the other who can’t really speak English, and their companions, a fish-walking farmgirl and an old hermit. Are you who we’re looking for?
Obi-Wom: Nooooooo -waves hand eerily in front of OEOHPPE’s face- Goooo throooww yoouuurself oooooff a cliiiiff…
OEOHPPE: Oooooookaaaaayyy…-throws self off cliff-
Obi-Wom: That is so much fun to do, you have no idea.
Kiku: Hmm…a nasty-smelling bar full of drunken aliens…is that what we want?
Obi-Wom: Yep. That’s a perfect place for a fugitive captain and his fuzzy companion to hang out. Let’s go expose you to the nastiness of the adult world, Kiku.
Nasty Aliens: We’re partying like it’s 3985!!
Obi-Wom: I’m gonna ditch you amongst all these drunkards, Kiku, while I talk to that big fuzzy thing over there.
Kiku: Gee, thanks.
Obi-Wom: Hey, Chewzizza! What’s up?
Chewzizza: -makes a noise resembling something between a moan, a roar, and a yawn-
Obi-Wom: Yeah, that fish-walking girl does look pretty stupid, doesn’t she! Ha! Ha!
Chewzizza: -moanlaughs-
Kiku: -glare-
Nasty Alien: Dumb.
Nasty Human: Ugly.
Kiku: You flatter me. You are too!
Nasty Alien: Don’t like.
Kiku: Wow, TWO whole words now…
Nasty Human: Fight you.
Nasty Alien & Human: -beat up Kiku-
Obi-Wom: More fun for me! -cuts off Nasty Alien’s arm-
Kiku: My hero! -eyes shine-
Obi-Wom: You are one disturbed kid. First you drool over your sister, now me!
Chewzizza: -moanlaughs again-
Obi-Wom: C’mon, let’s meet the Hott Fugitive she’s talking about.
Monkey Solo: Hey, guys. I’m Monkey Solo. I’m totally hott, I just deny it. But only a little.
Obi-Wom: …
Kiku: Wow, you ARE hott!
Obi-Wom: Kiku, PLEASE keep your hormones in check for just ONE scene!
Monkey: Anyway. I’m the hott captain of this hott ship here, the Century Hawk.
Obi-Wom: Isn’t it supposed to be the Millenium Falcon?
Monkey: Well, I was trying to be original. Plus, Century Hawk actually has the name of one of my characters in it. Anyway, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it.
Obi-Wom: Alright, then, I won’t tell you.
Monkey: You’re really dumb then.
Obi-Wom: Oh, well, if we’re just going to hurt each other…
Monkey: Never mind. Zizzie here says you’re flying somewhere. I hope you’ve got moolah.
Obi-Wom: Oh, do we ever! -names exorbitant price- AND you’ll get the eternal glory of having saved the Universal Wide Web for the first time!
Monkey: -eyes turn into dollar signs- $_$ We’ve got ourselves a deal then.
Zizzie: -moanroaryawn-
Monkey: Zizzie agrees with me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to kill this pesty fan that’s been following me and my hottness for a long time.
~*~*~*~
Kangetsu: Ok, Darth Kaoru, we’ll eat the brains of Princess Hikaru’s online forum, Older-Than-You.
Darth Kaoru: Mmm…braaaiins…
Kangetsu: You disturb me.
Darth Kaoru: Like son, like father. I mean, like daughter, like father. Err…like brother like sister? Like daughter like mother? -confuses self-
Kangetsu: We’ve really got to work out this whole gender thing…it’s getting really confusing having everyone be hermaphrodites.
~*~*~*~
Monkey: Heeeyy, Yami the Hutt! What up, fool?
Yami the Hutt: I hate you. Where’s my moneh?
Monkey: You’ll get it…after I go save the UWW for the first time.
Yami the Hutt: Fine. Well, just make sure you pay me more. Me likes money.
Monkey: You and me both.
Yami the Hutt: Have fun saving the UWW! I love you so much, I can’t wait to get my hands of a carbonite copy of you!
Monkey: Er…love you too?
~*~*~*~
Zizzie: I’m talking normally too. Arr, matey. Hurry up, ya pansies!
Dis: Is she talking to me?
Rodent: Who else?
Kiku: I dun like yer ship. It ugly.
Monkey: Yeah, well, it’s hott when I’m piloting it. Now get on before those One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters come and arrest me for being too hott!
Kiku: Goodbye, suns. Goodbye, moons. Goodbye, One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters with rusty spoons.
OEOHPPEs: Quick, let’s show off our terrible marksmanship! Even though there’s a ton of us, not one of us can score a single hit!
Narrator: They escape to outer space…
Monkey: Well that was fun.
Narrator: …where Evil Empire ships are awaiting them.
Monkey: The fun never stops when I’m around!
Obi-Wom: …you can’t stop what doesn’t start.
Evil Empire Ships: Batang, batang! Krakow, krakow!
Kiku & Dis: OMGWE’REGOINGTODIEIDUNWANNADIEI’MAGOODBOYIAM!!
Obi-Wom: What! Neither of you are boys!
Kiku: Oh yeah. I forget sometimes xD
Dis: -sniff- I always wanted to be a real boy, though…
Zizzie: Shut up, ya pansy. Hee, that’s so much fun to say! I love being a pirate!
Monkey: Alright! I just established a wireless cable connection! No more of this dial-up stuff! -zooms away from Evil Empire Ships-
Evil Empire Ships: You’d think the Empire’d give us superfast connection too! But nooo, they’re too cheap and stick us with dial-up!
James Earl Jones: Get Verizon Online DSL…and together, we will rule the galaxy!
Darth Kaoru: What? O.o
James Earl Jones: Sorry…couldn’t resist.
~*~*~*~
Kangetsu: Ok, Princess Hikaru, this is your last chance: where’s the rebel base? Or else your forum, Older-Than-You, goes kaput!
Princess Hikaru: As long as I never have to smell Kaoru’s feet again.
Kangetsu: -twitchspaz- Just TELL me already! The suspense is KILLING me!
Princess Hikaru: All right!! It’s on…-pauses for dramatic effect while dramatic music plays- Tans-Are-Cool.
Kangetsu: Sweet! Now for the brain-eating ray. -fires weapon-
Darth Kaoru: Whee!!
Older-Than-You: -brainseaten!-
Princess Hikaru: That wasn’t even fair! Oh well, at least I told you a false location…whoops, did I say that out loud?
Kangetsu & Kaoru: -are conveniently deaf-
~*~*~*~
Kiku: -chases floating cheeseball with lifesaver-
Obi-Wom: OW OW major migraine!! It feels like my brain’s being eaten. But I’m sure it’s only empathy. I guess other people’s brains are being eaten right now. That kinda sucks.
Monkey: I am the HERO of the day!!
Everyone: -ignores him-
Monkey: -eyebrow twitches- Y’all had better grovel and shower me with gratitude, or else…
Rodent & Zizzie: -play chess-
Kiku: -fails at lifesaving-
Obi-Wom: You’re pathetic. Use the Internet, fool.
Kiku: -whines- I can’t!! -gets shot by cheeseball- OWIE!
Monkey: -giggles-
Obi-Wom: Here, let me help you by blinding you.
Kiku: Thanks that works SO well…-gets shot again- Will you tell that stupid thing to STOP!
Monkey: -doubles over in laughter-
Kiku: -slices off Monkey’s hand- Whoops…
Monkey: Argh, the second hand casualty…
Kiku: I’ll bet you can regrow it too.
Monkey: -regrows hand- That is SO cool. I love plot conveniences!
Kiku: -kills cheeseball- Finally! I hate cheese![/size]
Some of these people - like Dis and Yami - haven't really come back, but that's alright. You can pretend you knew them.
Shinkou Wars[/u] – A Parody of the Star Wars movies by Fely-Fox
Narrator: A short time ago, in an online forum far, far away from sanity…I bring you…Episode IV: A Vain Hope!
Kiku Fishwalker: Wait a sec…aren’t I supposed to be the new hope?
Narrator: You? Seriously? -cracks up- As if!
Kiku Fishwalker: -_-
Narrator: Now shut up and let me do my spiel. So this online forum was ruled by the Evil Emperor, whose gaspshock identity will be revealed later, and the slightly less evil and misunderstood Darth Kaoru.
Darth Kaoru: I’m slightly less evil…but mostly just misunderstood. -sob-
Narrator: So we’ve heard. Anyway, there were some rebels blah blah hated Emperor and Darth Kaoru yadda yadda wanted to kill them and make the Universal Wide Web nice and safe again yak yak yak except Darth Kaoru wanted to eat everyone’s brains blah blah blah—
Darth Kaoru: ]:] Braains…
Narrator: So the Evil Empire created these plans for a bigger, better online forum that had the power to eat everyone’s brains at once, except that Princess Hikaru was able to steal these plans…and that would’ve worked real well, except that she was stupid enough to get caught.
Princess Hikaru: Hey! I find that offensive to me.
Narrator: Your hair is offensive to me, and you don’t see me complaining. So be quiet.
Princess Hikaru: -grumblemutterglare- I like my hair.
Narrator: Annnyyway, our opening scene shows Princess Hikaru vainly trying to get those plans to safety, aided by her robots, Dis-Ruptio and Ro2Dent2.
Dis-Ruptio: Who the hell came up with our names?!
Ro2Dent2: Beep boop bip?!
Dis-Ruptio: She said, And why the hell can’t I speak normally?!
Narrator: -sigh- Some people are never happy. Fine, for simplicity’s sake, we’ll call them Dis and Rotoo.
Ro2Dent2: Blip boop!!
Narrator: ALRIGHT! We’ll call them Dis and Rodent. Sheesh, so much for creativity. Anyway, Dis and Rodent were running through this passageway on the Shinkou Rebel ship, trying to evade the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters that Darth Kaoru’s ship was shooting at them…
Dis: We’re doomed! I sound like a lily-livered pansy, but it’s true!
Rodent: Bip-bop-braap.
Dis: Hey, you weren’t supposed to agree with me, you pathetic excuse for a—
Rodent: Whirr-blip-beep!
Dis: Look, this bright golden spandex suit is fashionable, okay? Don’t diss it.
Rodent: Brraaaapp.
Dis: Yes, I do know my line, thank you very much. -ahem- I’m afraid the Princess will never escape now! Those One-Eyed…whateveryoucallems are too powerful!
Princess Hikaru: Psst! Idiotic robots, over here!
Dis: What did she call us?
Princess Hikaru: Idealistic robots. Come on!
Dis: Let’s go, Rotoo—I mean, Rodent.
Princess Hikaru: Quick, while our rebel wolves are distracting the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters, I have something to give you, Rodent. Whatever you do, DON’T get caught by creepy desert looters and sold to an ignorant farmgirl who happens to be my sister. That might actually start this entire insane trilogy.
Rodent: Whirr-whizz-beep.
Dis: Reverse psychology always works, doesn’t it…
Princess Hikaru: Now hurry up so I can sacrifice myself to the slightly less evil and misunderstood Dark Lord of the Universe.
Dis: Sounds like a plan. Meanwhile, I’ll panic and question everything that Rodent does even though she obviously knows so much more than I do.
Rodent: Beeeeep! -rolls away to an escape pod-
Dis: Beginning…now. No, Rodent! This is obviously a trap. This pod is certainly not meant for an easy escape, especially because it’s called an escape pod…
Rodent: Braaap-burp-bip.
Dis: True, we are carrying a very important plot device. You’re right, we’ll probably be able to prevail despite all logical odds being against us…
Voice of Darth Kaoru: I’m coooooomiiiiiiing…
Dis: Hurry! We have to go disobey Princess Hikaru’s instructions this early on in the play!
Rodent: Woo-whirr. -pod escapes the Doomed Ship-
Dis: Hey, you’re right, that pretty desert online forum does look like a nice place to crash-land on…
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on the Doomed Ship…
Darth Kaoru: Whee, I love choking people to death! -gestures- HAHA, your throat got CRUSHED, fool.
Kangetsu: I’m the older, eviler, more misunderstood version of Yueh! Therefore, it’s only right that I’m in cahoots with Darth Kaoru.
Darth Kaoru: Kangetsu! Fetch Princess Hikaru. I want to know what the latest hairstyle fashions are these days.
Kangetsu: Well, you won’t know that by looking at Princess Hikaru…
Darth Kaoru: Never mind. Fetch, boy!
Kangetsu: Aye, aye, sir. I mean ma’am. -fetches Princess Hikaru-
Princess Hikaru: I’ll never succumb to you, no matter how misunderstood you are!
Darth Kaoru: We’ll see about that. After you do my hair.
Princess Hikaru: NOOOOO anything but THAT!!
Darth Kaoru: o.o; Eh? What are you talking about?
Princess Hikaru: Oh. I thought doing your hair was some form of torture for me.
Darth Kaoru: My hair isn’t that bad…
Princess Hikaru: …
Darth Kaoru: Oh shut up. C’mon, let’s take her to a place where she can be rescued by an ignorant farmgirl, a hott-looking fugitive, and a fuzzy thing.
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the desert online forum Tattoos-Are-In, our heroine is being very productive on her simple farm…
Kiku Fishwalker: -walks on fish- This is SO fun. You should try it. Barefoot!
Aunt Beru: The maker of this play couldn’t find Shinkou equivalents for me and my husband, so we’re just here until we die.
Uncle Owen: Hey Luke! I mean, Kiku! Stop being so damn productive!!
Kiku: Is that sarcasm?
Uncle Owen: Nooooo, of cooourse not. Why would I be sarcastic? You are being productive, right? The Narrator says so!
Kiku: Well, I’m making tonight’s fish dinner nice and tasty!
Uncle Owen: Oh, go make yourself useful and buy some illegally marketed robots.
Kiku: My favorite activity!
Narrator: Not too far away from Kiku’s astounding productivity are the two robots and their plot device…
Rodent: You know what? Screw the maker of this play. I’m gonna talk how I like.
Dis: What did you say, Ro?
Rodent: Never mind. I’ll go off on my own this way while you sulk here like the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy that you are.
Dis: FINE! Be that way!! -sulks like the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy that he is-
Rodent: Wheee, I’m cruising around aimlessly with my very important plot device until those Jawas come and take me for illegal marketing…
Jawas: SURPRISE!! -knock Rodent out and steal her-
Rodent: Just don’t harm the plot device!
Dis: Still sulking, if anyone will notice or care.
Big Transporter: I’m definitely NOT carrying your friend, the plot device, or any other illegally marketed robots.
Dis: Sweet! I’ll totally trust you then! -gets in- Oh goodness gracious! It’s the plot device! Thank goodness it’s all right!
Rodent: Yeah, nice to see you too, bub.
Dis: You called me rude names. I’m not talking to you.
Rodent: I missed you too.
Dis: Oh, how I missed you so much Rodent! -kodak moment hug- I’ll never sulk no matter how many deserving nasty comments questioning my masculinity you throw at me!
Rodent: Whoa, watch the plot device.
Narrator: And then the transporter comes to Kiku, who is eagerly waiting to buy illegally marketed goods…
Kiku: I’ll take the lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy. He looks like fun.
Dis: -_- So much for respect.
Kiku: But I’ll stupidly ignore the smarter robot who is obviously carrying an important plot device for me to find. Come on, Dis-Ruptio! Come on, fragile droid that looks like it’s about to be fried!
Fragile Droid: -fries-
Kiku: Oh, how unfortunate! Guess I’ll have to take the one with the plot device after all. And curse it, now the two inseparable droids have been reunited. What a surprise.
Rodent: Hurry up and look at the goddamn plot device.
Kiku: Oooh, what a pretty girl. I’ll freak out everyone who knows that she’s my sister by staring at her and drooling like the hormonal farmboy that I am.
Dis: Um…you’re kind of a girl.
Kiku: Even more disturbing! Sweet. Lesbian incest. It can’t get any better than that.
Rodent: Dude, did you even hear a word she said?! Now I have to play it over and over again until the words finally register in your creepily hormonal brain.
Video of Princess Hikaru: Help me, Obi-Wom Cannoli. You’re my only hope.
Kiku: Whoa! Obi-Wom! Does she mean ol’ Wyndbain Cannoli, the hermit who’s been secretly watching me all my life? I never would have expected that!
Aunt Beru: Kiku! Come to dinner before you can figure out anything important to the plot!
Kiku: Okee dokee. Stay here, Rodent, and DON’T try to find Wyndbain Cannoli on your own.
Dis: -sigh- Reverse psychology again…when will these people ever learn…
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Dinnertime…
Uncle Owen: Blah blah blah take the droids to be cleaned blah blah blah work on the farm some more blah blah blah stay out of the fish buckets blah blah…
Kiku: I want to join the Rebellion.
Uncle Owen: Hell’s no. End of discussion.
Kiku: Fine. Then I want to find Obi-Wom Cannoli.
Uncle Owen: Hell’s no. He knew your father. I can’t let you find out information that’s so vital to the plot.
Kiku: Then I’ll sulk instead.
Uncle Owen: Have you been hanging around that lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy of a droid much?
Kiku: Yeah. Why?
Uncle Owen: It shows…well if you must sulk, go sulk somewhere else so you can find out that Rodent disobeyed your orders.
Kiku: Yes, Uncle. This’ll be the last time I see you, so I’ll be sure to storm off in a childish way.
Dis: What a surprise. While you were arguing uselessly with your uncle, Rodent took off.
Kiku: Oh no! Quick, let’s search for her while the One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters come and destroy my farm!
Dis: Nope, we’ve got to heighten the suspense by waiting till morning.
Narrator: Several suspenseful hours later…
Kiku: I love my Fishspeeder. It’s as cool as a Landspeeder, only much better, ’cause it runs on fish guts.
Dis: Look, there she is!!
Kiku: Where?! -shoots wildly-
Rodent: Argh, watch where you’re shooting! You might actually hit me!
Kiku: Oh, sorry.
Dis: Look out! Creepy sandy people!!
Kiku: No worries, I can take ’em. -aims gun at sandpeople, but it accidentally backfires and shoots her instead-
Wyndbain Cannoli: -sigh- This was even more pathetic than I imagined. Shoo, you creepy sandpeople! Your role in this plot is over!
Sandpeople: Awww…-scuttle away sadly- we’re so misunderstood!
Wyndbain: Yeah, you and the rest of the world. Ok, Kiku. I’m Obi-Wom Cannoli, and I’m going to explain most of the plot’s backstory now, so be sure you pay attention. Oh, and I’m going to take as much time as possible so the One-Eyed, One-Horned Purple People Eaters can destroy your farm.
Kiku: …okie dokie!
Obi-Wom: So your father was a pretty cool dude until he was killed by Darth Kaoru, who was once a pupil of mine, but was seduced by the power of the Dark Side of the Internet, and used his newly-gained HTML skills to erase all the elite Jelly Knights, including your father, from existence in the Internet, and then he and the Emperor took over all of the Universal Wide Web and have been reigning dictatorially all the innocent online forums since.
Kiku: -wasn’t really paying attention- So, basically, Darth Kaoru killed my father?
Obi-Wom: …yeah. “Basically.”
Kiku: How evil! I keel heem and make heem eat rotten fish!
Obi-Wom: In that order?
Kiku: Yes. But, uh. Can’t I have some kind of vitally important weapon that can be used against him?
Obi-Wom: Well, even if I give it to you, you won’t stand a ghost of a chance against him, but if it makes you feel better…-gives Kiku candy in the shape of an ‘o’-
Kiku: A…piece of candy?
Obi-Wom: Idiot, it only looks like a piece of candy at first. But if you press this here -pushes button on candy-, it becomes this -candy turns into a brightly glowing green sword shaped thing-
Kiku: A giant stick of kryptonite? What, is Kaoru Superman or something?
Obi-Wom: It’s not kryptonite, fool! It’s a lifesaver. It can save your life. But generally, it just cuts through anything.
Kiku: Kewl—like this? -slices hand off of Dis-
Dis: OWIE!!! -clutches fried wrist-
Obi-Wom: -sighs- And the first hand casualty of the series occurs…
Kiku: Dude, how can you feel that? You’re not even human.
Dis: Oh. Right. -regrows new hand-
Kiku: -blinks- You can do that?
Dis: For plot convenience’s sake.
Obi-Wom: Alright, Kiku, now that you have the lifesaver, be sure you don’t turn to the Dark Side of the Internet. It’s bad for your health.
Kiku: Okie doke!
Obi-Wom: Enough chitchat. Let’s get to the plot device.
Rodent: Finally! -plays Princess Hikaru’s message-
Video of Princess Hikaru: Obi-Wom, you were cool once. Be cool again. Help me and my daddy out. We’re so desperate we’re asking an old hermit like you, so please come. Help me, Obi-Wom Cannoli, you’re my only hope.
Obi-Wom: Aw, man. Fine. Well if I’m going to help, Kiku, as the protagonist, you’re coming with me.
Kiku: But I dun wanna…-swings around lifesaver again-
Obi-Wom: Fine, be that color. Well, let’s go back to your “home,” so you can return to your “normal life,” and continue to “walk in fish peacefully” for the rest of the trilogy.
Kiku: Okie doke!
~*~*~*~
Narrator: Meanwhile, Darth Kaoru and some evil people/wolves are discussing the new tool to eat all the brains of a single online forum at once…
Darth Kaoru: I want to see some brains eaten NOW!!
Kangetsu: Well, as soon as Princess Hikaru lies to us, we’ll eat the brains of her home online forum.
Darth Kaoru: Bah! With the power of the Internet, I can eat their brains no problem!
Ryannkstu: I laugh at your puny “Internet”! I fart in its general direction! I unplug my ears at it! By the way, Kaoru, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
Darth Kaoru: CHOKE!!
Ryannkstu: -chokes-
Darth Kaoru: That was fun ]:] Can I do it again?
Kangetsu: No, go and torture Princess Hikaru instead.
Darth Kaoru: Mmm…torture. -prances away, singing- Oh, HiKAruuuu! Your daddy’s coming to TORture youuuuuuuu!!
Princess Hikaru: As long as I don’t have to do your hair.
Darth Kaoru: Oh, believe me…this will be much worse…-thrusts feet at Hikaru- Tell me where the rebel base is, or give me a pedicure! ]:]
Princess Hikaru: Feet…smell…so…horrible…-faints-
~*~*~*~
Kiku: Well f**k. The One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters totally trashed my home. Totally didn’t expect that. Oh well. I guess I’ll go with you after all, Obi-Wom!
Obi-Wom: Sweet. And I didn’t even have to resort to my fancy Jelly Knight tricks. Well, it’s time to meet the other main characters! Let’s go to the evil-smelling board called Most Ugly.
One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eater: We’re looking for a couple of droids, one of whom is a lily-livered, golden-spandexed pansy, the other who can’t really speak English, and their companions, a fish-walking farmgirl and an old hermit. Are you who we’re looking for?
Obi-Wom: Nooooooo -waves hand eerily in front of OEOHPPE’s face- Goooo throooww yoouuurself oooooff a cliiiiff…
OEOHPPE: Oooooookaaaaayyy…-throws self off cliff-
Obi-Wom: That is so much fun to do, you have no idea.
Kiku: Hmm…a nasty-smelling bar full of drunken aliens…is that what we want?
Obi-Wom: Yep. That’s a perfect place for a fugitive captain and his fuzzy companion to hang out. Let’s go expose you to the nastiness of the adult world, Kiku.
Nasty Aliens: We’re partying like it’s 3985!!
Obi-Wom: I’m gonna ditch you amongst all these drunkards, Kiku, while I talk to that big fuzzy thing over there.
Kiku: Gee, thanks.
Obi-Wom: Hey, Chewzizza! What’s up?
Chewzizza: -makes a noise resembling something between a moan, a roar, and a yawn-
Obi-Wom: Yeah, that fish-walking girl does look pretty stupid, doesn’t she! Ha! Ha!
Chewzizza: -moanlaughs-
Kiku: -glare-
Nasty Alien: Dumb.
Nasty Human: Ugly.
Kiku: You flatter me. You are too!
Nasty Alien: Don’t like.
Kiku: Wow, TWO whole words now…
Nasty Human: Fight you.
Nasty Alien & Human: -beat up Kiku-
Obi-Wom: More fun for me! -cuts off Nasty Alien’s arm-
Kiku: My hero! -eyes shine-
Obi-Wom: You are one disturbed kid. First you drool over your sister, now me!
Chewzizza: -moanlaughs again-
Obi-Wom: C’mon, let’s meet the Hott Fugitive she’s talking about.
Monkey Solo: Hey, guys. I’m Monkey Solo. I’m totally hott, I just deny it. But only a little.
Obi-Wom: …
Kiku: Wow, you ARE hott!
Obi-Wom: Kiku, PLEASE keep your hormones in check for just ONE scene!
Monkey: Anyway. I’m the hott captain of this hott ship here, the Century Hawk.
Obi-Wom: Isn’t it supposed to be the Millenium Falcon?
Monkey: Well, I was trying to be original. Plus, Century Hawk actually has the name of one of my characters in it. Anyway, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it.
Obi-Wom: Alright, then, I won’t tell you.
Monkey: You’re really dumb then.
Obi-Wom: Oh, well, if we’re just going to hurt each other…
Monkey: Never mind. Zizzie here says you’re flying somewhere. I hope you’ve got moolah.
Obi-Wom: Oh, do we ever! -names exorbitant price- AND you’ll get the eternal glory of having saved the Universal Wide Web for the first time!
Monkey: -eyes turn into dollar signs- $_$ We’ve got ourselves a deal then.
Zizzie: -moanroaryawn-
Monkey: Zizzie agrees with me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to kill this pesty fan that’s been following me and my hottness for a long time.
~*~*~*~
Kangetsu: Ok, Darth Kaoru, we’ll eat the brains of Princess Hikaru’s online forum, Older-Than-You.
Darth Kaoru: Mmm…braaaiins…
Kangetsu: You disturb me.
Darth Kaoru: Like son, like father. I mean, like daughter, like father. Err…like brother like sister? Like daughter like mother? -confuses self-
Kangetsu: We’ve really got to work out this whole gender thing…it’s getting really confusing having everyone be hermaphrodites.
~*~*~*~
Monkey: Heeeyy, Yami the Hutt! What up, fool?
Yami the Hutt: I hate you. Where’s my moneh?
Monkey: You’ll get it…after I go save the UWW for the first time.
Yami the Hutt: Fine. Well, just make sure you pay me more. Me likes money.
Monkey: You and me both.
Yami the Hutt: Have fun saving the UWW! I love you so much, I can’t wait to get my hands of a carbonite copy of you!
Monkey: Er…love you too?
~*~*~*~
Zizzie: I’m talking normally too. Arr, matey. Hurry up, ya pansies!
Dis: Is she talking to me?
Rodent: Who else?
Kiku: I dun like yer ship. It ugly.
Monkey: Yeah, well, it’s hott when I’m piloting it. Now get on before those One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters come and arrest me for being too hott!
Kiku: Goodbye, suns. Goodbye, moons. Goodbye, One-Eyed One-Horned Purple People Eaters with rusty spoons.
OEOHPPEs: Quick, let’s show off our terrible marksmanship! Even though there’s a ton of us, not one of us can score a single hit!
Narrator: They escape to outer space…
Monkey: Well that was fun.
Narrator: …where Evil Empire ships are awaiting them.
Monkey: The fun never stops when I’m around!
Obi-Wom: …you can’t stop what doesn’t start.
Evil Empire Ships: Batang, batang! Krakow, krakow!
Kiku & Dis: OMGWE’REGOINGTODIEIDUNWANNADIEI’MAGOODBOYIAM!!
Obi-Wom: What! Neither of you are boys!
Kiku: Oh yeah. I forget sometimes xD
Dis: -sniff- I always wanted to be a real boy, though…
Zizzie: Shut up, ya pansy. Hee, that’s so much fun to say! I love being a pirate!
Monkey: Alright! I just established a wireless cable connection! No more of this dial-up stuff! -zooms away from Evil Empire Ships-
Evil Empire Ships: You’d think the Empire’d give us superfast connection too! But nooo, they’re too cheap and stick us with dial-up!
James Earl Jones: Get Verizon Online DSL…and together, we will rule the galaxy!
Darth Kaoru: What? O.o
James Earl Jones: Sorry…couldn’t resist.
~*~*~*~
Kangetsu: Ok, Princess Hikaru, this is your last chance: where’s the rebel base? Or else your forum, Older-Than-You, goes kaput!
Princess Hikaru: As long as I never have to smell Kaoru’s feet again.
Kangetsu: -twitchspaz- Just TELL me already! The suspense is KILLING me!
Princess Hikaru: All right!! It’s on…-pauses for dramatic effect while dramatic music plays- Tans-Are-Cool.
Kangetsu: Sweet! Now for the brain-eating ray. -fires weapon-
Darth Kaoru: Whee!!
Older-Than-You: -brainseaten!-
Princess Hikaru: That wasn’t even fair! Oh well, at least I told you a false location…whoops, did I say that out loud?
Kangetsu & Kaoru: -are conveniently deaf-
~*~*~*~
Kiku: -chases floating cheeseball with lifesaver-
Obi-Wom: OW OW major migraine!! It feels like my brain’s being eaten. But I’m sure it’s only empathy. I guess other people’s brains are being eaten right now. That kinda sucks.
Monkey: I am the HERO of the day!!
Everyone: -ignores him-
Monkey: -eyebrow twitches- Y’all had better grovel and shower me with gratitude, or else…
Rodent & Zizzie: -play chess-
Kiku: -fails at lifesaving-
Obi-Wom: You’re pathetic. Use the Internet, fool.
Kiku: -whines- I can’t!! -gets shot by cheeseball- OWIE!
Monkey: -giggles-
Obi-Wom: Here, let me help you by blinding you.
Kiku: Thanks that works SO well…-gets shot again- Will you tell that stupid thing to STOP!
Monkey: -doubles over in laughter-
Kiku: -slices off Monkey’s hand- Whoops…
Monkey: Argh, the second hand casualty…
Kiku: I’ll bet you can regrow it too.
Monkey: -regrows hand- That is SO cool. I love plot conveniences!
Kiku: -kills cheeseball- Finally! I hate cheese![/size]
